A little of me learning to abide...

So what does it look like to embrace the ache of lovesickness but not substitute immature affection in the mundane? In everyday life.
I have been thinking about this................. why is mere affection for Jesus not enough to sustain a lifetime of wholehearted love with Him? Where does the breakdown occur? And then, how do I sustain wholehearted affection and love for him day-to-day, in the mundane of life??

One reason I know that affection isn't enough si that have experienced it first hand in my own past....... so here's a little back-story on me and my love-journey with Jesus..........

When I was a junior in highschool, I homeschooled for a year. This year was absolutely pivotal for me and totally changed my relationship with the Lord. My family had just moved back to Ohio from the Chicago suburbs and a church that wounded my family deeply. The year I spent in Chicago was probably the darkest night of my soul up until that point. I remember being so depressed and lonely that year that I would stay awake for days on end. It drove me at differnt points to even consider taking my own life. If I hadn't been so afraid of going to hell, I think I would have seriously considered it. Yet, somewhere in the midst of the darkest place of my soul, I discovered worship. My dad had this awesome Alesis, full, 88 weighted keyboard that sat in the basement where my bedroom was. I had taken a few lessons as a kid, but it never really stuck. But one day, I just sat down and began to play. I didn't know much, but I figured out how to play and A and D chords and began to play the song "Breathe"... I will never forget the release in my soul as I began to allow everything I held inside to flow out of my fingertips in expression to the Unseen Creator. I grew in my playing and it truly became my outlet..... Any feeling, any depressive thought seemed to vanish as I worshiped.

That moment changed me forever. I always say that Holy Spirit taught me to play piano to save my life. It's as true now as it was then.

So after this year, my family moved back home to Ohio. I had had a particularly difficult year as a sophomore (we had moved in the middle of my sophomore year) adjusting to my new school (worst experience of my life!) and didn't really want to have to do it all over again as a junior. So my parents allowed me to do homeschooling for that year. My parents both worked so I was left to my own devices most of the time.

I'll admit, I got very little schoolwork done most of the time. My Dad's keyboard once again became my outlet. I sat for hours upon hours playing love songs to Jesus. I fell in love that year. I was writing sometimes three or more songs per day. I was so full of expression to the Lord. Thinking back now, it was such a sweet time and probably what kept me close to the Lord throughout the next seven years or so. I tasted something real in that time.

And so my foundation for loving the Lord really comes from that place. That sweet, intimate place where lovers meet for the first time. Fireworks and fluttering hearts. I kissed dating goodbye and even told the Lord I'd be content in singleness if that was His will. Haha.... oh man... such a long time ago........so much water under the bridge now.

I don't know what all of this has to do with anything, but I am just processing where the breakdown between affection and true love was.

*In saying all this, don't get me wrong. This time of my life was absolutely precious and of so much value in building my history with the Lord. I knew that He loved me and trusted Him implicitly. My worship was as true as it could have been at that point. My love was as pure as I knew how to love.

I think that's just it. At that point, as a 16 year old girl, I had loads of affection for the Lord... but, it's like I said before, I had no real concept of who Jesus really is.... he was more of a romantic character in one of my romance novels and since I was too young to really fall in love, He filled the void quite nicely. But it didn't last....

I think the breakdown occurred because.............I had not learned to abide.

Following that year, I went back to school again... I did really well for awhile, but junior year gave way to senior year. I met a boy I thought was just it, little by little my love waned until I was walking in direct opposition to the Lord's will for my life. I walked in outright deception, still worship leading, still having great "affection" for the Lord, but never having the power to conquer sin and truly walk in righteousness. I filled my heart with addictions and other lovers and idols. I found myself lacking, despite the "love" I had for Jesus. (This is the place of my own experience where I found I was truly made for LOVE.)

I truly lived in outright lies; and the shame and guilt of that was more than I could take.

This division between what I wanted to be and what I was grew and grew for the next five years until I reached the absolute breaking point.

I learned the hard way that affection is not enough to keep me truly in Him.

That's when I moved here to Redding. I had to get away from where I was. I think I thought that it would be easier to really love and obey the Lord if I lived away from the things that I thought were impeding my growth.

What I have discovered though, is that I never really learned to love the Lord. I have learned FIRST HAND that affection does not equal love.

Reminds me alot, actually of where Jesus says,

Matthew 7:
21 Not everyone who says to Me, "Lord, Lord," shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven.
22 Many will say to Me in that day, "Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?"
23 And then I will declare to them, "I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness."

So I've be ruminating about all of this, thinking about what it is that keeps us lovers of Jesus throughout the long haul of life.

What makes a steadfast heart?

Love has to be more than affection. I've learned that first hand. Just because you sing love songs to Jesus and others perceive that you love Him in a "special way" doesn't mean you actually love Him.

Jesus said it Himself, "If you love Me, You'll keep My Word".

So... day to day, mundane love. :) What does that look like?

I'm thinking that it looks something like John 15.

This is one of my favorite passages. I love any place in Scripture where we get to hear what God has to say about Himself.

¹"I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. ² Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. ³Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. ⁴ Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. ⁵I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. ⁷If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. ⁸ By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. ⁹As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. ¹⁰ If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. ¹¹These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.

So. Abiding looks like obedience to Jesus' commandments and His words.....

That's simple enough, right?

Jesus gave us only two commandments. I talked about them yesterday.

Mark 12:

²⁸And one of the scribes came up and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, asked him, "Which commandment is the most important of all?" ²⁹Jesus answered, "The most important is, 'Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. ³⁰And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' ³¹The second is this: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these."

In Matthew, He adds to it

³⁶"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" ³⁷Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'³⁸This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'⁴⁰All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

So....... it really all comes back to this. Wow. I can't believe it.

We were designed to be fully filled with the love of God. I was listening to Mike Bickle's first commandment series this morning and he said something that struck me. He said, "Whenever we turn to sin, it's an indication that God's love is not filling some void in our lives." The power of temptation should never be stronger than the power of God's love.... this is what gives me power. to live in the mundane. Receiving love from God and releasing it back to Him in obedience.... hmmm.........

This gives me SUCH a greater vision for my life than just a good feeling I have when I worship or the dogged pursuit of rule-abiding 'holiness'.

The other place that comes to mind when I think of abiding in His word is in Matthew 7 where Jesus says,

²⁴"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. ²⁵The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. ²⁶But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. ²⁷The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

Here, He is speaking directly about the Sermon on the Mount. For the sake of space I'll just name the first part............

Matthew 5:
³"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
⁵Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
⁶Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
⁷Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
⁸Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
⁹Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
¹⁰Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. ¹¹"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.

Jesus is telling us the best way to do life here.

In the mundane, I guess it looks like putting Him first in my priorities. Living in righteousness out of a place of love.... stirring up hunger for Him, walking in meekness and humility, seeking purity of heart in all things.......

Choosing each day to be joyful in living rightly before Him. Knowing that my joy is complete in this place. That I am absolutely fulfilled in abiding in Him. Living. Living life day-by-day loving Him first...

That's still pretty ambiguous... I guess I'm just on a thought process here...

Do you have thoughts about everyday abiding?