Surrender

This week has been kind of a sad week. One of my dear friends and a very big part of our Watch of the Lord community suddenly had to move home... Besides the fact that he will very much be missed in my life and in our community, his departure has really brought some questions to my heart.

Sitting in the prayer room yesterday, I had a discussion with the Lord that went something like this...

Lord, what will I do if my closest friends leave this place?

What if they did? What if everyone in leadership and in the house of prayer community had to go somewhere else?

Lord, I don't want to think about that.

Well, what if they did.

(I'm starting to get frustrated) Lord! You wouldn't do that. You don't understand, I gave up the rest of my life for this!!

(quiet)

Lord! I gave up other relationships for this!

and then the question comes.... Are you committed to the community? Or to communion? To the devotional lifestyle?

Oh Lord.... my heart.... wow.... good question...

............................................

I really began to ponder this question.... What if? What if I had to let go again?

We have a wonderful community (really the best!) and it is life to my heart to be with the amazing people here at the Watch... but ultimately.... seasons change.... relationships ebb and flow.... friendships have a rhythm.... there's a time for all things.

So in this place I get to ask myself some hard questions.

If everyone in my life right now was no longer apart of it.... would I remain steadfast in my pursuit? Without the encouragement and camaraderie of a community of people going after the same things..... Would I remain?

The yes is there in my heart. But it's a place of surrender I have to come to. It's real and it's raw.

This doesn't just apply to relationships... it's the same question He's been asking me even about my dreams and my life call....

Will you commit your ways to Me? Do you trust My ways? Do you trust Me?

And the thing is that I know now that it's not an ultimatum. He is pleased with me in all seasons. It's not ultimately about the choice I make.

It's about the condition of my heart toward Him. Do I trust Him? Do I lay down my life, that I may find it in the end?

True life is found in a heart alive to Jesus.

And surrender brings me to that place of living...

I'm not saying I should go be a nun.... I have deep peace that He has great plans for me.... and relationship is the great joy of the human heart....

But I have the opportunity to go deep in surrender.... to really till the fallow ground of my heart.... to answer, with whole-hearted abandon the really hard questions...

So I'll embrace surrender.... Lord You have my heart.