Falling out of love with "love".....and into love with a Man.

What does it mean to worship in Spirit and in truth? This is the question I think I am finally finding the answer to...

You see, I have been a "worshiper" since before I can remember. I have loved Jesus my whole life... or so I thought.

But, recently I realized that what I thought was true love for Jesus, was actually an affection for a romantic idea. This romanticism is rooted deep in my personality and it's no wonder I projected it into my relationship with the Lord... let me give you little insight here.... :)

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am absolutely, completely, irreversibly, to a fault a romantic. I love romance. All of it. I am a sucker through and through. I stalk wedding photos, cry at engagement stories, and have been known to read half a dozen romance novels per week in certain seasons of my life. (This is one of my favorite things about myself but it is not always productive.) So naturally, when I discovered that Jesus was meant to be the Lover of my soul, I pinned all my romantic affections on Him. I kissed dating goodbye and Jesus became my boyfriend. I spent hours dreaming of Him, singing about Him, writing love songs to Him. A good friend of mine has called me a mystic of romance. I laugh, but it's been true.

But what I have discovered over the past six months is that what I thought was pure love for the man Jesus has been an infatuation with a romantic idea that is based largely on my emotional experience and grounded very little in the actual knowledge of God.

And so, my impression of myself, that which I have so highly prized (and taken pride in) in my relationship to the Lord, has been completely, totally, utterly debunked, shattered, brought to nothing; for my love, although well intentioned, has not really been real. It has been neither based on the truth of who Jesus really is or grounded in REAL love, abiding, and obedience. It has been pink, plastic, romantic fluff.

Now I don't say all of this to abase myself or to live in self-condemnation, or to say that my "love" for Jesus all these years has been false or wrong....

It has just been incomplete and so very immature.

Beginning to understand (and by beginning, I mean that I know about .00000000001% of anything. haha) Jesus, the Eternal Son, the expressed image of the Father, the WORD (logos, wisdom) MADE FLESH is the most amazing, true thing I have ever known. I stand on a precipice of the greatest discovery of my existence.

The Lord is beginning to put substance to every romantic notion I have ever had.

This is actually what I was made for. Everything else I have known of myself and of the Man Jesus has been smoke and mirrors... the magic of a self-made romance.

Jesus is not just my knight in shining armor, a figment of my imagination, a romantic idea, something to fill the love-void in my heart. He is REAL, LIVE, ACTIVE GOD and fully fully man!

The real DIVINE ROMANCE is SO much greater than I imagined!!

The real deal-- the reality of who Jesus really is is SO surpassing my wildest imaginations. He is greater than I know. He is eternal. He has always been. I love reading the gospels and seeing what He says about Himself. It blows my mind.
CHRIST in me the hope of Glory...

I am so thankful that my greatest calling in this life and in the age to come is to truly KNOW JESUS in His glory. It's what He asked for (John 15) above all things.

The funny thing is that right now, I feel very little of His presence. I actually feel very little in general... I have depended on the feeling of Jesus as my very breath and life for so long. But what I am finding now is that His word feeds my soul and His Spirit leads me into all truth whether I feel Him or not. This may very well change my life. Everything I thought I knew of loving Jesus has been dismantled. And it's the best thing that has ever happened to me... maybe not the happiest season (haha) but certainly amazing.

Wow. I don't know if this all makes sense but I am at step one of the most amazing journey of my entire existence.

I was made for this.

And I am so ready to learn what it really means to Love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

I have worshiped in Spirit, now I discover TRUTH... and the knowledge of Jesus produces a much greater worship than I have ever known.