saying yes to mourning.

The first song I ever wrote goes something like this....

"There is no Independence Day for me... they're all Dependence... for I'm dependent upon You from now til life has ended...

You are everything to me...the lover of my soul...the Father who forgives, the one who makes me whole.You're everything I need... my strength, my joy, my peace. From now until forever You will be...Everything to me"

I know it's cheese-fest, but I was 15... give me a break :) This weekend, I was reading back through my journals... and even just thinking about the songs I have written, songs I have sung.... so many about Him being my everything, having all of me, loving Him more than life...

the thought came to me...

I have made some pretty intense vows to the Lord. Wow, why did I say that? I didn't even know what that meant!?

And, though I have broken most of them and didn't even know what they meant.... I know He remembers them... I know because He is calling me now... to go deep.

Deep. Deep deep..... the deepest desires of my heart........ the core of me. My hope for my future in this life.

My thought is... oh Lord, anything but that. I'll give you everything else...

But still He draws.... and I still want to say yes... I don't really know how to....I will not make hasty, zealous promises this time, but let surrender do it's work in me... pulling and pushing me deeper.....

I asked the Lord today, "Why is so much of my walk with You mourning?"

...Blessed are those who mourn............
happy.
happy are those who mourn... the life they leave behind...the hope they hold with an open hand... saying blessed is He who gives and takes away.

It will be the ebb and flow of my life... this joy in mourning thing...