Today.....I mourn my lack of passion, my lack of feeling, my lack of being moved, being impacted by the cross. My heart is so hard. I have been a Christian my whole life and yet I barely glance in the direction of His sacrifice. I have barely shed a tear at the thought of His love. My life does not reflect that of one changed by the power of love. That of a bond-servant.
It is said that those who are forgiven much, love much.
When considering this we often think of the "greatest of sinners". You know, prostitutes, mass murderers, child molesters, pagans...
In my pride, in my humanity I create a caste system of sin.
Subconcious? Perhaps.
Unintentional? Certainly.
Still a reflection of my un-renewed mind and my cold heart? Absolutely.
Of course the ex-drug addict is crying at the front of the church giving his testimony-- his life was going down the tubes!! Of course the ex-murderer is weeping in thankfulness for the life he has been given, he was supposed to die for what he did.
Oh but me?? me... I have known Him a long time. Yes, such a very long time... I was only three when I prayed that prayer.
my eyes are dry, my faith is old...
Oh the truth..... let it grip me!
We were ALL forgiven much. So much. I was forgiven so much. I was dead in my transgressions, an object of the wrath of God, destined to a life of bondage to sin and an eternity in hell itself. I deserved nothing of His. I still don't.
But the Son of God, perfect in beauty from the foundation of the world, chose to leave the glory of His Father, to put on flesh. To be like men. He did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but took the form of a servant and submitted himself to death... the worst kind of death....
...And I....I am now alive in Christ. I am forgiven. Completely. Utterly. And he does not rigidly hold me to a new standard I cannot attain.
No. This tender loving Savior, actually gives grace for me to love Him more, He gives me grace for me to actually be like Him.
This sort of knowledge should have me shouting the gospel from every arena of my life.... but how many people have I told of His amazing love. Am I gripped with the glorious wonder that is mine in Christ Jesus? Is it on my mind? Does it impact my heart?
my heart is hard, my prayers are cold...
Oh that I would be able to say with Paul and the apostles.... I am bond-servant of Christ.... Even though I could go do what I want and still make it to heaven.... I choose, I choose to lay down my life in absolute surrender, to You, Jesus. To feed your sheep. Laying down as a laid-down lover to serve all men as a slave.
But it is not my heart's cry yet. Not yet. I pursue this one thing.
And I know how I ought to be... Alive to You and dead to me ...
I need to be impacted more. more, Jesus. until I am compelled by love.
But what can be done
For an old heart like mine
Soften it up
With oil and wine
The oil is You, Your Spirit of love
Please wash me anew
With the wine of Your Blood
Keith Green, "My Eyes Are Dry"
the cool thing to me is to realize the depth of His kindness and grace towards you in saving you at a young age. all the paths of life you could have taken, but for reason we won't possibly know til eternity, He saw it to draw your heart to Him as a child and what a difference that has made. His kindness is so amazing towards us, like you said regardless of the "hierarchy of sin" we did or didn't obtain. the sheer fact that we cannot choose Him unless He first calls to us is forever humbling and wins my heart over and over again. and, the coolest thing, is when your heart mourns your broken state of loving Him, like you are right now, He is the one who comforts you. what a good God we serve.
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