WWF - Holy Spirit Style

I love how talking with my friends can stir up such awesome questions or even help me put in order the swirlyness of my thoughts...

Today I had one such conversation with a pretty amazing lady, the wonderful Charis Scofield...

We were talking about wrestling and I was sharing with her about some of the questions the Lord has been asking me.... about where my treasure lies, about trusting His ways, about really looking into His depths... the stuff I've been writing about lately.... having to do with calling, relationship, community, and even the character of God.

There are a LOT of feelings associated with each of these things... each question has an emotion and a reaction all it's own.... My temptation in all of this, as I've said before, is to shut down... I can feel myself start to pull back. It really is what I am best at... running away. Ask anyone who's known me for awhile... it's my coping mechanism. How do you think I got to Redding? ;)

Anyway... as we were talking I said something that was sort of unexpected to me but really summed up what the Lord is doing right now...

I said, "I am wrestling with alot of questions, but I feel like it is important that I let each of them have their full impact on my heart"

Meaning... to not run from feelings of grief or sadness.... to not run from the feeling of overwhelming awe and fear at the thought of God's enormity.... to allow myself to feel lonely... to allow myself to say that my heart is still afraid that I do not know Him enough to stand strong.... and to be honest in my inmost parts.... expressing my pain and my fear....

letting myself feel each question, each emotion to the fullest extent.....

To wrestle. To ask. To hurt. To feel. To find Him in that place.

We got to talking about Jacob wrestling with the Lord in Genesis and how he got up from that encounter with a new name and a limp and was never the same....
Genesis 32
²⁴And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. ²⁵When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. ²⁶Then he said, "Let me go, for the day has broken." But Jacob said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." ²⁷And he said to him, "What is your name?" And he said, "Jacob." ²⁸Then he said,^P)"> "Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed." ²⁹Then Jacob asked him, "Please tell me your name." But he said,"Why is it that you ask my name?" And there he blessed him. ³⁰So Jacob called the name of the place Peniel, saying, "For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been delivered."

and the parallel that can be found between this and chapter 7 of Song of Solomon when the Bride comes up from the wilderness leaning...

⁵ Who is that coming up from the wilderness,
leaning on her beloved?

It's my choice, really, whether I want to wrestle with God. Jacob didn't have to keep wrestling with the Lord. He could have said, "That's it, this is too much. You knocked my hip out of socket for crying out loud! This hurts too much!" And I, too, could say, "That's it Lord. I can't wrestle with You. My heart can't take any more questioning. It hurts too much to surrender."

But.... then again...there is a (rather ironic) abiding joy in my heart through all of the questions.... because I know that if I let Him go deep in my heart and if I wrestle with the hard questions... if I surrender..... I'll come up leaning on Him....I'll be with Him where He is...

So... today, again...I embrace the process.... I will wrestle.... and I will be changed forever because I did.